MeganFS

Had christmas today. well obviously.
Which was really nice in alot of ways. But everytime im on my own i find myself in floods of tears. And fighting them back when im not. Thats how i deal with everything.. Some things i will moan about loads. But the things that really get to me.. The things that really upset me. I dont talk to anyone about that. Thats what comes out when its just me. I think thats why I come on here sometimes. Just to vent it abit. It doesnt matter if i delete it a day later at least its out.
Ive lost alot of people this year i think due to the amount that i moan. I try and talk to my friends and they arent really interested or it turns to something else. I try and talk to my family and it ends in an argument (the family ive got left), I try and talk to mike and i could be talking for hours and at the end i dont really get anything back. So i dont really anymore. And its just too much. Whenever im on my own it just floods. It wouldnt bother me if it was even little things but big bad things keep happening. And i know there are so many people worse of than me, plenty that i know of. But its like somethings broken inside me. And i cant cope with the big things happening anymore. And i try.. I try so hard. But it just gets to a point where people get really pissed off with me struggling. So i pretend im ok and get on with it and deal with it myself. Its not really dealing with it though.
I feel like the only person i can trust and rely on  is myself, and im not doing the best job of looking after myself. I just want someone to hug my while i cry. It wouldnt even be for long. I just need to cry. Which is stupid because ive cried all day. But i dont know whats left. And i cant deal with anymore hits. Im 19 and i should be worrying about petty things like how my hair looks or whats on the telly. God knows. But ive had two major health blows. IParts of me are numb and im not going to go into the rest of that... not here. A car crash that i dont think will ever leave me. A misscarriage with about as much support as a text. And im just done. Im done with everything and i dont know what to do anymore. I just feel so lost.
The people that are still around me. I love them so so so much. I think things would be easier if i knew how to talk to them properley. Because posting here isnt the answer. It will help me vent for now though.